A New Car

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:
Date: Tue, Apr 17, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Subject: S's Car Plan

To: Mom, Dad

Parental Team,

Per our recent conversation regarding finances, debt, future vehicles and other timely matters pertaining to your son's future, I've compiled the following list of ideas as "possible solutions" for my car and financial issues. Before we delve into the list, let's first take a look at the landscape of what we're dealing:

S's Phenomenal Monthly Income Distribution

The below chart accurately reflects where my salary is diverted each month away from my savings account:

Monthly Expenses	Amount
Rent	748.75
Cable	28
Electric	25
Credit Cards	300
Car Insurance	89
Student Loan	115.15
Cell Phone	89
Gas	150
Food	100
Savings	50
Gym	10
Spending Money	95

TOTAL $1,800.00

The above is based on my fluctuating monthly salary. I make roughly $900 bi-weekly after tax, benefit and 401k deductions, plus or minus about $50 dollars, depending on the week. Some weeks it's $850, other weeks it's closer to $950/$970. On low weeks, I have to tap into that $50 dollars of monthly savings to avoid using my credit cards.

Dad said, no matter what your situation is in life, you always have options - some more realistic than others. With that said, here are my options for acquiring the funds for a new car:

-Sell drugs

-Sell myself

-Steal a car, change the license plates and get a new paint job

-Get a second job working at Subway on the weekends

-Get a second job working at Subway after work and on the weekends

-Fake my death and capitalize on the funds from my life insurance plan (funds will be sent to you both, so you'll have to help me)

-Work out a payment plan with you both (it would be monthly) if I were to borrow funds from you to purchase a car

-Start Steve's Car Fund, a donation service to help college graduates who have high living expenses and low incomes

-Offer to drive others to work in return for them letting me take their car to work

-Take out a bank loan

-Get a bike and say FUCK YOU to paying gas and other related car expenses

-Sell a screenplay (ideal)

-Win Mega Millions (dollar and a dream baby!!!)

-Inherit a couple G's from an "Uncle" or someone else that is "connected"

-Roller blades?

-Stop driving and start run/walking everywhere. I'll also eliminate my gym expense!

Let me know which of the above ideas sound most feasible and we'll discuss next steps.

Love,

S

Daft Dome

I'm not one to document sexual conquests, but this story has merit and is worthy of sharing. Without further adieu...

Saturday night, and feelin' alllllllllright. 9:30p plans to hang out with a female friend who always seems to navigate her mouth to my genitals. It's almost automatic. Weed plus a little techno and this girl is ready to orally pump the super soaker.

At 10:30p (an hour past our scheduled hang out time), I decide to roll out. En route realized it was my buddy's birthday and naturally had to stop by the bar partayyyy and say hello. At 11:30p I called aforementioned female friend to see if she wanted anything from the store (how can you be mad at a guy who, although delinquent, offers to pick up something from the store?). At 12p I roll up to said female's apartment. A six pack of Heineken and a bag of Munchies? Oh, it's on.

After two beers, female friend (whom we'll refer to as WICS - Weed Induced Cock Sucker) busts out the sticky icky nugs. A few bowl rips, and we're creating iPad art. One hell of a trippy looking puppy later and Daft Punk christens the laptop speakers. Again, the key to WICS oral engine is the weed/techno one-two-punch.

VROOM! Engine starts, and the next thing I know, my meat is engulfed to the beat of AROUND THE WORLD. Head from literally a bobbing-head-in-sync-with-the-music.

Not bad for a late start to the night.

Moral of the story: Whatever you do, always bring snacks.

A Chang Chang

Kudos to our fearless IT leader, who also happens to be of the Asian Persuasion.